Author: Colonel Lingus

Posted on

Three Things to Avoid When Sex Dating

There’s nothing in the world quite like making just the right connection when online dating. It’s like that feeling Marshawn Lynch had after the Seahawks smeared the San Francisco 49ers. (Too soon?)

It’s that feeling. Times ten.

But when you’re struggling to make those connections in the sex dating scene, it’s like the feeling the Niners had after that same playoff game. (Too soon?)

Like many things in life, success in online dating can depend drastically on the individual. Some people take to it like a duck to water. For others, it’s not as intuitive, and doesn’t seem to hold many advantages over different ways to hook up with people.

At sites like Adult FriendFinder, it’s easy to find success stories. EPIC success stories, across all genders (including non-binary) and sexual preferences. Hell, the Colonel himself can tell you tales that you would swear could not occur in the natural world. Tales of human debauchery that defy the laws of man. Tales that would turn a religious man to the bottle, and send a godless heathen running to sweet baby Jesus.

And sometimes all you need to make connections at sex dating is one little victory.

So how do you know if you’re doing it wrong? Well, obviously, you do a little research by smelling what the Colonel is cooking and observing some very basic tips. (I promise, just the tip … )

Here are some massive fails that will guarantee that all you’ll be doing this weekend is catching up on WWE and whittling your wood until it turns into Pinocchio, becomes a real boy, and goes out and gets some hot sex action.

  1. For the Last Time, No Dick Pics!

I mean, really. Do we have to have this conversation? Judging by the penile polaroids that flood my female friends’ inboxes … yes.

I know your weenus is special to you. You’ve had it all your life. It’s always there for you, regardless of the incessant ebb and flow of circumstances beyond your control, or even your mortal ken. Your weenus understands you, and you understand it. It’s your special purpose, after all.

But listen to me. Please. Put that thing away for now.

I don’t care if it’s the size of a tire iron.

I don’t care if you can hold it up to a beer can and not suffer in the comparison.

I don’t care if your mom told you that it was the greatest pee-pee God ever bestowed betwixt a pair of hairy legs.

I don’t care if you dress it up to look like Alexander Hamilton and teach it how to sing.

Put it away.

I’m not saying that hooking up in an online dating app with someone who will respond to a dick pic increases your likelihood of getting critters so ornery that the people at the free clinic will think you’ve opened up a Joe’s Crab Shack in your pants. It just puts you in a higher risk bracket.

So why not show people your face? Like Rocky told Clubber Lang, “Ain’t so bad.”

  1. No means no. From soup to nuts.

If you bring a gamer attitude to sex dating, you will not succeed. This is not the comments section of your favorite YouTube video. When you join an online dating community, you are literally making a social compact that assumes everyone here is here for the same reason – hookups and relationships.

And why would you act hostile or get into an argument with someone who is just here to do the same thing you are? When you don’t move on after someone uses their right to not communicate with you (a right I’m sure YOU use all the time), it makes you look like a weak, petulant child.

If you don’t feel like acting like a grown-ass man, why should you get the benefits of being one?

Grow the fuck up, or spend your days stacking up terabytes of tentacle porn. (Editor’s Note: Colonel Lingus has no issue with tentacle porn; it’s just his position that it is a poor substitute for the touch of another human being. Unless you’re Krieger from ‘Archer.’)

  1. Don’t Be Afraid to Jump in the Water. Be Like Barbecue Sauce … Bold.

Once you’ve sufficiently mastered No. 2 on our list, it’s good to project strength and security by not being afraid to move the process to the next level, if your target does not.

Research has shown that often women who are using an online dating app or service often are looking for someone who goes for what they want in life. If that’s not you, it’s time to fake it till you make it. Just sayin’.

Suggest a meetup tailored to this specific person. Sometimes this can mean an early evening coffee, sometimes it’s the last stool at your local dive bar sometime ‘round midnight. Remember that everyone is different, just as you’re not the same as everyone else.

If you follow these tips, you’ll go far to making connections and having lots and lots of sex!

Posted on

Duck Face Dynasty – Make It Stop

I have a young female friend who’s obsessed with some hunky Italian model/actor, I forget his name.

Now, I have no problem whatsoever hating on an Italian model/actor. But after posting a few responses on her Facebook page that sounded like I was one of the old guys in the balcony on The Muppets (Waldorf? Statler?), I didn’t want to post another Debbie Downer.

Then I saw the pic. And there it was. The guy was sporting a duck face that would embarrass Sporty Spice. I mean, Justin Bieber was laughing at this guy.

And as online dating is a reflection of the greater cultural world we live in, it would make sense that this phenomenon of extreme pout would permeate sites like ours. That don’t make it right, however, so the Colonel is here to jump up and down like Yosemite Sam and demand that it stop. Now.

This begins with you. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

First, let’s take a look at your profile pics. Let’s just hope and assume that there is at least one that shows your face. And no, that tattoo of an Insane Clown Posse mask you put on the head of your cock does not count, thank you.

See any conspicuously “cute,” pouty pics? Anything that makes you look like Renée Zellweger just bit into a lemon wedge. Yeah, no. Begone!

I know it’s hard, but you’ll stand out much more with a spontaneous, non-staged, candid shot of yourself looking natural. Duck face is not natural, and any nature in which that would be organic, I don’t want any part in, thanks.

 

With millions of members worldwide, we’re sure we have a faces you’ll like on Adult FriendFinder.

Posted on

Your New Online Dating Strategy

Many friends of the Colonel come up to me and say, “Colonel?”

I say, “Wot?”

“Colonel,” they say, “you’ve made a LOT of money in the internet dating game. Certainly you’ve got more pussy than a Petco commercial …”

“No doubt. But I’m not hearing a question here,” I’ll chide.

“Well, I think I’m gonna give it a try, you know … online dating. What’s it like?”

I tell these people, male and female alike, that this is like Luke asking Yoda what he’s going to see in that creepy cave back on Dagobah. “Know not Yoda does … whine much you do. Now get in the cave!”

Online dating is like a trip to Disneyland. To some, it’s an adventure through a magic kingdom where the possibilities are only as limited as your imagination (or your drug supply, whichever runs out first). For others, it’s a hot rail express to the lowest circle of hell – a shameful pit of woe and defeat that will make you question your very self-worth.

To this I’ll hasten to add that it’s pretty much like any kind of dating. If you like dating and don’t look like something that crawled out of an “Evil Dead” film, you might find it fun. If, like many, you find it a necessary means to a desired end (most likely, some kind of relationship), then you’ll trudge through it like a huskie crossing the frozen tundra.

Your ol’ Colonel has seen fire and I’ve seen rain when it comes to the fickle fortunes of online dating. I’ve had runs of luck that made me convinced of my own Kryptonian virility, and I’ve had dry periods where my virginity was more or less retroactively reinstated. I’ve had torrid one night stands straight out of a Skinemax flick, and I’ve made relationships that I suspect will remain until I plotz.

Here are some things I’ve learned along the way, things that will help you succeed in online dating, and moreover, will keep you from losing your shit in the process.

1. Know What You Want

Are you looking for someone to settle into the long sunset of life with, someone who will be your partner in a bright and beautiful future that holds no bounds? Or are you just looking for a gimp who will anal fist you while singing the theme from “Rocky?”

Before you go messing about with forces you don’t yet understand, it’s good to know what you expect to get out of the experience, or whomever you contact on the site won’t know either, and that is not the key to success. Just be honest with yourself. Go to the top of a mountain and meditate on it, if you have to.

2. Express Yourself

Once you’ve pondered the great mysteries of life and determined what you’re looking to get out of the online dating experience, be sure to express it directly and succinctly in your profile. This doesn’t mean you have to write a freakin’ Unabomber manifesto necessarily; you’ll find many people prefer a brief, potent profile over a wordy one.

3. How to Increase Your Stamina!

Because it’s all about stamina. If you’re serious about success, take the long view. Keep playing with your profile to make sure it isn’t stale, and hit a few more members with every visit. One strategy I like to use is to tie my online dating profile updates to other social media updates, say, LinkedIn. Every time I monkey with my LinkedIn account, which is often, I’ll do the same for my online dating profiles. Bam.

4. Pics, Pics, Pics (Not Dicks)

Is there a more parodied meme related to online dating than the dreaded dick pic? And yet juggalos and hipsters alike are obsessed with them (much more than female members, whose inboxes are flooded with them, and for whom even the most anatomically obsessed can become sadly jaded). Skip the “strategic” shots of meat curtains and mudflaps, also, please. Unless you’ve just had your asshole bleached by a professional in Sherman Oaks, leave it to the pornstars. You’re far better served by a profile shot that shows who you are.

5. You Are a Unique Snowflake Worthy of Love (or at Least a Good Lay)

Let’s face it, human beings are a species best suited for contact with other humans. Intimate contact is how we’ve managed to stay on this planet for thousands of years. There are billions of humans on this planet, and if the internet has taught us anything, it’s that these humans are sick and depraved freaks capable of all manner of conceivable behavior. And that, as long as these people don’t infringe upon the rights of others, all of these strange creatures (who are us) are deserving of human relationships that make them feel good about themselves and the short time we all share on Earth. Now go and find one!

Posted on

The Kinkiest States According to ALT.com

Who gives a shit about red and blue states when it comes to sex? In the wake of the film “50 Shades of Grey,” we decided to break up our great land into which states are the kinkiest. Using data from kinky dating site, Alt.com, we find out which places in the U.S. where “whipped cream” takes on a whole other meaning. You might be surprised by what we discovered!