Autumn is that magical time of year when you can enjoy a brisk walk among the brightly colored fall leaves, sip on a festively flavored latte, and bust out your Pumpkin Spice Pussy Clit Clamp when you’re ready for a good time. Yes, it’s real, and it’s even customizable.
Etsy.com/TheTwistedScrew
The fall craze has picked up steam over the years, thanks in no small part to social media. Once upon a time, fall was a time to snap selfies with your Pumpkin Spice Lattes, post aesthetically pleasing fall content, and dress in your coziest sweaters – even if it’s still 100 degrees outside. Now, fall has become an obsession that’s even trickled down into our sex lives, and not a moment too soon because nothing tops off the perfect autumnal outfit quite like a shiny new pair of blacklight pumpkin pasties, amiright?
So just how deep does the fall fetish go? Grab your infinity scarves and Ugg boots, because we’re going on a journey!
Before we get started…
You’ll be relieved to know that as we delve deep into fall-themed sex aides, there’ll be plenty of lube to help everything go down (or in) easy. And yes, that’s pumpkin spice flavored too. There are several brands of pumpkin spice lube on the market. One is even available at Walmart.com, which is odd because this seems more like Target’s wheelhouse, but I digress.
Walmart.com
Everyone Hail to the Pumpkin Kings…Dildo
Have you ever been in the middle of carving a pumpkin and thought to yourself, hey, I could make a super cool dildo out of this? Ya, me either. Luckily, someone else did, and now they’ve bestowed sounds trumpet the Pumpkin Kings Dildo unto the world! It looks more like something a contestant carved on Food Network’s “Halloween Wars” before promptly being kicked off the show. However, if you’re super into all things pumpkin, this might be right up your alley, among other things. I was going to write a witty description, but I think the seller already did a great job of summing this toy up:
“The pumpkin kings are ready to play, slide down each knotted pumpkin king with a total of 6 inches and 3 kings each will leave you screaming in pleasure, how far can you get down? will it be all the way with a width as wide as 3.5 inches.”
Etsy.com/NerdClimax
This ass-o-lantern (sorry) is available in limited quantity and usually sells out right away, so hit up Etsy now if you need it in your sex toy collection. You also get a free voodoo doll with purchase because, of course, you do.
Cock Sweater Weather
Trick-or-Treat yoself to this charming penis warmer and keep your cock cozy as you sit around the bonfire sipping mulled apple cider. It’s handmade, and the length is customizable to cover the total package.
Etsy.com/GoldiesKnits
Pastie Pumpkin Patch
If you’re looking to add some festive fall options to your nipple cover collection, you can find a variety of fall and Halloween pasties on sites like Amazon and Etsy. These are actually pretty cute, and it’s always good to support small businesses.
Amazon.com
Etsy.com/PasteaseShop
BOOty-full Buttplugs
I’m slaying these fall and Halloween puns, ya’ll. This jack-o-lantern buttplug comes in small and medium, plus it glows in the dark when you expose it to sunlight. How you accomplish that is your business, I’m just here to inform.
GeekySexToys.com
The Haunted Dildo
This hilarious haunted toy gives “getting ghosted” a whole new meaning. Made of body-safe silicone, it’s fully customizable and comes in UV reactive, which makes for an extra element of fun when you’re ready to show your guests the back door. (I’ll see myself out now)
Etsy.com/RozieMarshallAuthor
Gag Me With a Pumpkin
Silence the scream queen in your life with a Pumpkin Ball Gag! I’d love to say more on the subject, but I’m busy testing the product and now *muffled screams*
GeekySexToys.com
By the way, the pumpkin spice condom that went viral a few years ago wasn’t real, but at this rate, it’s only a matter of time.
Snopes.com
As always, and especially, in this case, fall responsibly.
Angel Rios is a sexpert and longtime columnist for AdultFreindFinder.com.
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