Many friends of the Colonel come up to me and say, “Colonel?”
I say, “Wot?”
“Colonel,” they say, “you’ve made a LOT of money in the internet dating game. Certainly you’ve got more pussy than a Petco commercial …”
“No doubt. But I’m not hearing a question here,” I’ll chide.
“Well, I think I’m gonna give it a try, you know … online dating. What’s it like?”
I tell these people, male and female alike, that this is like Luke asking Yoda what he’s going to see in that creepy cave back on Dagobah. “Know not Yoda does … whine much you do. Now get in the cave!”
Online dating is like a trip to Disneyland. To some, it’s an adventure through a magic kingdom where the possibilities are only as limited as your imagination (or your drug supply, whichever runs out first). For others, it’s a hot rail express to the lowest circle of hell – a shameful pit of woe and defeat that will make you question your very self-worth.
To this I’ll hasten to add that it’s pretty much like any kind of dating. If you like dating and don’t look like something that crawled out of an “Evil Dead” film, you might find it fun. If, like many, you find it a necessary means to a desired end (most likely, some kind of relationship), then you’ll trudge through it like a huskie crossing the frozen tundra.
Your ol’ Colonel has seen fire and I’ve seen rain when it comes to the fickle fortunes of online dating. I’ve had runs of luck that made me convinced of my own Kryptonian virility, and I’ve had dry periods where my virginity was more or less retroactively reinstated. I’ve had torrid one night stands straight out of a Skinemax flick, and I’ve made relationships that I suspect will remain until I plotz.
Here are some things I’ve learned along the way, things that will help you succeed in online dating, and moreover, will keep you from losing your shit in the process.
1. Know What You Want
Are you looking for someone to settle into the long sunset of life with, someone who will be your partner in a bright and beautiful future that holds no bounds? Or are you just looking for a gimp who will anal fist you while singing the theme from “Rocky?”
Before you go messing about with forces you don’t yet understand, it’s good to know what you expect to get out of the experience, or whomever you contact on the site won’t know either, and that is not the key to success. Just be honest with yourself. Go to the top of a mountain and meditate on it, if you have to.
2. Express Yourself
Once you’ve pondered the great mysteries of life and determined what you’re looking to get out of the online dating experience, be sure to express it directly and succinctly in your profile. This doesn’t mean you have to write a freakin’ Unabomber manifesto necessarily; you’ll find many people prefer a brief, potent profile over a wordy one.
3. How to Increase Your Stamina!
Because it’s all about stamina. If you’re serious about success, take the long view. Keep playing with your profile to make sure it isn’t stale, and hit a few more members with every visit. One strategy I like to use is to tie my online dating profile updates to other social media updates, say, LinkedIn. Every time I monkey with my LinkedIn account, which is often, I’ll do the same for my online dating profiles. Bam.
4. Pics, Pics, Pics (Not Dicks)
Is there a more parodied meme related to online dating than the dreaded dick pic? And yet juggalos and hipsters alike are obsessed with them (much more than female members, whose inboxes are flooded with them, and for whom even the most anatomically obsessed can become sadly jaded). Skip the “strategic” shots of meat curtains and mudflaps, also, please. Unless you’ve just had your asshole bleached by a professional in Sherman Oaks, leave it to the pornstars. You’re far better served by a profile shot that shows who you are.
5. You Are a Unique Snowflake Worthy of Love (or at Least a Good Lay)
Let’s face it, human beings are a species best suited for contact with other humans. Intimate contact is how we’ve managed to stay on this planet for thousands of years. There are billions of humans on this planet, and if the internet has taught us anything, it’s that these humans are sick and depraved freaks capable of all manner of conceivable behavior. And that, as long as these people don’t infringe upon the rights of others, all of these strange creatures (who are us) are deserving of human relationships that make them feel good about themselves and the short time we all share on Earth. Now go and find one!