Are You Doing Online Dating Wrong?
There’s nothing in the world quite like making just the right connection when online dating. It’s like that feeling Marshawn Lynch had after the Seahawks smeared the San Francisco 49ers. (Too soon?)
It’s that feeling. Times ten.
But when you’re struggling to make those connections in the sex dating scene, it’s like the feeling the Niners had after that same playoff game. (Too soon?)
Like many things in life, success in online dating can depend drastically on the individual. Some people take to it like a duck to water. For others, it’s not as intuitive, and doesn’t seem to hold many advantages over different ways to hook up with people.
At sites like Adult FriendFinder, it’s easy to find success stories. EPIC success stories, across all genders (including non-binary) and sexual preferences. Hell, the Colonel himself can tell you tales that you would swear could not occur in the natural world. Tales of human debauchery that defy the laws of man. Tales that would turn a religious man to the bottle, and send a godless heathen running to sweet baby Jesus.
And sometimes all you need to make connections at sex dating is one little victory.
So how do you know if you’re doing it wrong? Well, obviously, you do a little research by smelling what the Colonel is cooking and observing some very basic tips. (I promise, just the tip … )
Here are some massive fails that will guarantee that all you’ll be doing this weekend is catching up on WWE and whittling your wood until it turns into Pinocchio, becomes a real boy, and goes out and gets some hot sex action.
- For the Last Time, No Dick Pics!
I mean, really. Do we have to have this conversation? Judging by the penile polaroids that flood my female friends’ inboxes … yes.
I know your weenus is special to you. You’ve had it all your life. It’s always there for you, regardless of the incessant ebb and flow of circumstances beyond your control, or even your mortal ken. Your weenus understands you, and you understand it. It’s your special purpose, after all.
But listen to me. Please. Put that thing away for now.
I don’t care if it’s the size of a tire iron.
I don’t care if you can hold it up to a beer can and not suffer in the comparison.
I don’t care if your mom told you that it was the greatest pee-pee God ever bestowed betwixt a pair of hairy legs.
I don’t care if you dress it up to look like Alexander Hamilton and teach it how to sing.
Put it away.
I’m not saying that hooking up in an online dating app with someone who will respond to a dick pic increases your likelihood of getting critters so ornery that the people at the free clinic will think you’ve opened up a Joe’s Crab Shack in your pants. It just puts you in a higher risk bracket.
So why not show people your face? Like Rocky told Clubber Lang, “Ain’t so bad.”
- No means no. From soup to nuts.
If you bring a gamer attitude to sex dating, you will not succeed. This is not the comments section of your favorite YouTube video. When you join an online dating community, you are literally making a social compact that assumes everyone here is here for the same reason – hookups and relationships.
And why would you act hostile or get into an argument with someone who is just here to do the same thing you are? When you don’t move on after someone uses their right to not communicate with you (a right I’m sure YOU use all the time), it makes you look like a weak, petulant child.
If you don’t feel like acting like a grown-ass man, why should you get the benefits of being one?
Grow the fuck up, or spend your days stacking up terabytes of tentacle porn. (Editor’s Note: Colonel Lingus has no issue with tentacle porn; it’s just his position that it is a poor substitute for the touch of another human being. Unless you’re Krieger from ‘Archer.’)
- Don’t Be Afraid to Jump in the Water. Be Like Barbecue Sauce … Bold.
Once you’ve sufficiently mastered No. 2 on our list, it’s good to project strength and security by not being afraid to move the process to the next level, if your target does not.
Research has shown that often women who are using an online dating app or service often are looking for someone who goes for what they want in life. If that’s not you, it’s time to fake it till you make it. Just sayin’.
Suggest a meetup tailored to this specific person. Sometimes this can mean an early evening coffee, sometimes it’s the last stool at your local dive bar sometime ‘round midnight. Remember that everyone is different, just as you’re not the same as everyone else.
If you follow these tips, you’ll go far to making connections and having lots and lots of sex!