Dating can already be a complicated process, and adding that you have an STI, even if it’s curable or treatable, can add another layer of complexity you wish you could avoid. Still, it’s a challenge you’ll need to overcome to find the kind of romantic partners you hope to play with.
For many people, the stigma of breaking the ice and explaining the facts is more of a drag than any of the physical symptoms an STI may cause. That’s why we asked our community for answers to the most common questions regarding telling your new lover that you have an STI in a way that makes sense.
Any Way You Tell Someone Is Better Than Not Telling Them
The first and most crucial point to understand is that people can quibble over the best way to break the news, but everyone is in uniform agreement that any way you convey the truth is automatically better than trying to keep that information to yourself.
In fact, some jurisdictions have put laws in place that make a person liable for civil damages or even criminal prosecution if they knowingly engage in sexual relations with someone without disclosing the fact that they have an STI or are HIV positive.
People almost always understand and appreciate your honesty and candor when you share your medical history. On the rare occasion that someone acts rashly when you let them know you have an STI, you should also take that as a win because having an asshole out themselves early by showing a lack of empathy and support for you is a fast way to weed out the people you don’t want to waste your time with anyway. You can and will find better people simply by being honest with everyone!
3 Keys To Telling Someone You Have An STI
1 – Do It Early
There really isn’t any point in waiting two or three hours to let someone know you are STI-positive. If it will be a deal breaker for them, why not get it out of the way and move on to someone more understanding and willing to overcome the hurdles together?
Many people have wildly successful dating lives, with their STI-positive status listed right on the dating site profile page. Putting it out there from the start removes all the uncertainty, insecurity, and angst from the get-go. That way, whoever picks you has already seen and accepted your status.
2 – Be Informative
Many people aren’t as educated about sex as they ought to be. When you say you have herpes or some other STI, it may surprise you to hear some of their uninformed reactions. Others will be inquisitive and want to know more from your point of view. Be ready, willing, and able to share the information they should have already found for themselves.
You may not have intended to sign up as an STI-positive community outreach counselor. Still, the fact that you are STI-positive does give you the opportunity and responsibility to help others understand the reality better. A better-informed community is more accepting because silence has always been a close cousin of the kind of fear that breeds distrust of the unknown.
Keeping things clear and coherent, having the conversation while everyone is still fully clothed, sharing factual or statistical data relevant to your experience, and doing it in a nonjudgmental way where everyone is free to make their own decisions based on their comfort level gives you the best chance of finding a compatible lover worth keeping around.
3 – Why Beat Around The Bush?
Once the discussion starts, there’s no reason to be coy. This isn’t a ‘guess what I have’ sort of dating game. Just offer up the basic facts in as simple a way as possible. Which STI do you have? When was your last outbreak? Are you currently on any medications? Are there any precautions your partner should be aware of?
If you relay the information in a scientific, informative way, your partner will quickly see that you take your health and their health seriously. That builds trust and empathy almost immediately. It also allows you to spend less time talking about STIs and more time fucking.
What If Someone Tells You They Have An STI On Your First Date?
Let’s flip this all around and look at it from the other perspective. If someone you are on a date with for the first time opens up and tells you they are STI-positive, what do you need to do?
1 – Show Empathy
Whether you are comfortable having sex with this person or not, they are a person with feelings, and they are doing something very courageous by sharing some very personal information about themselves with you. That means they implicitly trust you not to be an asshole.
It costs you nothing to show some genuine empathy. If you have questions, ask them politely. If it’s a deal breaker for you, say so politely. Nobody will judge you for saying yes or no to a bedroom adventure with your new mate – but everyone expects you to behave in a mature and supportive way regardless of which outcome you choose.
2 – Know Your Own Health Status And Basic STI Facts
As someone active in the dating world, you owe it to yourself and all of your partners to be aware of your health status and know the basic facts about the kinds of STIs that are likely to come up.
If you aren’t aware of how STIs are transferred, can’t tell the difference between chlamydia and herpes, or are clueless about the importance of condoms – you aren’t being a great lover. Take a day and do some Googling to understand the basics. You wouldn’t drive a car without a license; you shouldn’t be out fucking strangers without being able to identify a sore when you see one.
3 – Don’t Be An Asshole
It is a simple concept, yet too many people fail the test when given a chance to show they are kind. Dating communities like this one are very accepting of all different people because we understand how sexy diversity is, and that includes everyone who happens to be STI-positive. You will win many more friends and future mates by being supportive of others than by mocking anyone.
You want people to accept the fact that you are short, bald, a few pounds overweight, don’t dance well, or any number of other issues that you’d remedy if you knew a way to do so. The fact someone else has an STI works the same way. Nobody is walking around feeling blessed to have herpes or hoping their case of chlamydia takes longer to go away. Treat everyone else with the same care and understanding you want them to show you when they find out your dick is an inch smaller than perfect or your tits look so good because of your push-up bra.
The Golden Rule
We all have things we want others to accept, and that process starts by being wise enough to accept others as well.
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