Some people pick their partners because they’re also into…that. Handcuffs, roleplaying, whatever. Many of us, though, enter into relationships without even thinking about our sexual preferences.
Or you may realize you want to try something while already in a relationship. Having “the talk” about a fantasy or a fetish can be really difficult. We’re trained to not talk about such things, and you may even be from a background where certain types of sex are considered “sinful.”
Here are some ways you can approach this topic without being embarrassed or feeling weird…and, for that matter, there’s nothing wrong with being weird.
Start By Talking To Yourself
Honestly, for many of us, it’s hard to admit we have a sexual fantasy, let alone tell anyone else about it. So, start by telling yourself. You might talk to your reflection in the mirror. If you aren’t too afraid to do so, write your fantasies down.
You may have fantasies you can’t safely carry out…that’s fine. Write them down, too, because you may be able to come up with an alternative, or you may even find that writing them down is a way to safely “release” that sexual tension.
Make It Fictional
Find a piece of erotic fiction that describes your fantasy; there are plenty out there. A good place to start is an erotic anthology, periodical, or even podcast. Share this story with your partner and ask them to do the same thing. This goes both ways, after all.
Talk about why the story turned you on. This puts things at a slight remove and is much less daunting than saying what you want. You may even find that you share a fantasy neither of you wanted to discuss!
Another way to do this is to pretend your fantasy is the sexy dream you had about your partner the previous night. (And note that if you have those dreams, it might be your subconscious showing you something that turns you on.
Make It Emotional
Sometimes, it can be hard to talk about a particular fantasy, such as “I’d like to have sex in the churchyard.” Instead, think about why…is it the proximity to death? Is it the risk of somebody walking in on you? Is it the overall taboo nature of this particular fantasy?
Talking about feelings is safer and helps you get into the intense nature of the topic. For example, if what turns you on is somebody walking in on you, then you can think about how to engender that fear, which might be having sex while mostly clothed because you are hiding your nakedness from the imaginary voyeur.
Set the Scene
Have these conversations at the right time. A romantic dinner at home (you probably don’t want to do this in a restaurant) with candles and maybe a glass of wine or beer is a great way to set up talking about sex in general. If you can’t go straight to talking about your fantasies, practice talking about what you already do and like or things your partner does for/to you that you enjoy.
Avoid talking about this at a time when you might be interrupted; feed the cats first, for example. Making talking about sex a routine thing you do also improves your relationship in general. It can be hard to start with, so keep it simple and expand into more taboo topics as you become more comfortable with the concept and each other.
Be Respectful
Unfortunately, it’s very likely that, at some point, you and your partner will reveal fantasies the other isn’t into. Whether it’s as intense as bondage or as mild as daydreaming about your partner in a crimson thong, if they aren’t into it, then you need to respect that. For most of us, a fantasy that isn’t shared is not a dealbreaker.
If they want to do something you are not into, you need to tell them respectfully but also appreciate their trust in telling you, especially if it is a particularly taboo subject. If you have a mismatch that will affect your relationship, the sooner you find out, the better.
Acting out a fantasy requires full, enthusiastic consent. Don’t nag your partner into something, or let them nag you into something. If one of you is unsure, then come up with a compromise.
It’s best to tell the truth, too, not make excuses. Be honest about what you are and are not willing to do.
Know It’s Okay to Be Vanilla
A lot of the time, when we talk about fantasies, we’re talking about some kinky stuff. Threesomes, spanking, bondage, voyeurism. These are fine, and they are also entirely normal because everyone has sexual fantasies. But if your wildest fantasy involves your partner in a black lace teddy (slightly wilder if you are into guys), then there’s nothing wrong with that. Being vanilla isn’t boring, and it works for many people. It’s okay if that’s how you are or how your partner is. It might not work if one of you is into wild BDSM and the other isn’t, but there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Discuss Acting Out With Consent in Mind
Some fantasies may not work in the real world. But if they do, and you and your partner decide to try something different in the bedroom (or some other location), then bear in mind that everything has to be safe, sane, and consensual. This includes bystander consent. If your fantasy is having sex in front of a crowd of people, come up with a way to do that that doesn’t involve an actual crowd of people who haven’t agreed to it!
Talk over what you are going to do before you do it. If you’re doing anything with pain, bondage, breathe play, etc, then you need to establish a safeword before you start, a signal you can give if you need to stop. Make sure you are on the same page and ease into things.
Talking about your sexual fantasies with your partner can be hard! We’re told not to talk about these things, and sometimes, we’re told not to even have sexual fantasies. But we all do; they’re normal, and talking about them with your partner can be liberating, improve intimacy, and open the door to pleasure for both of you.
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