The Difference Between Sexual Fantasies and Sexual Desires

Sex is a beautiful part of being human. Sharing and experiencing sexual pleasure is one of the greatest gifts in life. Although talking about sex is often taboo, open sexual dialogue helps us understand ourselves and others so that we can explore our sexual nature in a healthy environment. 

There are a lot of misunderstandings when it comes to sexual subjects. One of the biggest confusions is the difference between sexual fantasy and sexual desire. Although the two can overlap, they describe two different experiences. To understand what sexual fantasy and sexual desire are, how they differ, and how they both contribute to our sexual side, let’s dive deeper.

What is Sexual Fantasy?

Sexual fantasies are thoughts and images that enhance or create sexual arousal. They can be retrieved deliberately or can happen spontaneously. Many things can trigger a sexual fantasy, and the stimulus varies vastly, including visual porn, erotic literature, memory retrieval, or simply seeing someone sexually appealing on the street. 

Sexual fantasies do not necessarily mean desire. People often are turned on by fantasies that they do not wish to pursue in real life.

What is Sexual Desire?

A sexual desire is a hunger to try a sexual act in real life. The desire can be derived from a sexual fantasy, and it can be a solo act or an act that involves others. If a sexual desire involves others, it is essential to practice clear communication and consent before acting on it. 

Normalizing Sexual Fantasies

Often, people are embarrassed or ashamed of their sexual fantasies. However, sexual fantasies are experienced universally and are not something to be ashamed of. 97% of people report experiencing sexual fantasies, yet less than a third report acting on them. People refrain from acting on sexual fantasies for a plethora of reasons. Often, the fantasy is something the person has no interest in doing in real life. For example, you might fantasize about being a cuckold, but in real life, that would fill you with anger, sadness, and other negative emotions. Still, even if a sexual fantasy is taboo, it is essential to understand it is normal. 

Common Sexual Fantasies

In 2018, Dr. Justin Lehmiller published  Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. The book resulted from a survey of over 4,000 Americans of diverse backgrounds and sexual interests. In the book, he categorized the most common sexual fantasies themes, which are:

1. Multi-Partner Sex: This fantasy can involve a threesome, swinging partners, orgies, or gang bangs.
2. Power, Control, and Rough Sex: This category includes sadism and masochism(S&M), bondage, discipline, dominance, and submission(BDSM). This category also includes forced and rough sex fantasies. 
3. Novelty, Adventure, and Variety: This category includes anything new, such as a new sex toy or position. It also contains fantasies about sex in specific locations like the beach or airplane. 
4. Taboo and Forbidden Sex: Often, people fantasize about fetishes, exhibitionism, or voyeurism. They also might fantasize about taboo topics such as teacher-student sex or mailman sex. 
5. Partner Sharing and Non-Monogamous Relationships: While less than .5% of people find cheating arousing, many are aroused by swinging, partner sharing, or cuckolding fantasies. 
6. Passion and Romance: Fantasies don’t have to be wild. People often fantasize about passion and romance. In fact, people are more likely to fantasize about their current partner than a celebrity.
7. Erotic Flexibility – Specifically, Homoeroticism and Gender-Bending: These fantasies encompass a desire to explore gender, style, sexual fluidity, and other homoerotic ideas. 

Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies

If you’ve never explored your sexual fantasies, there is no time like the present to start. If you do not know where to start, there are a few questions you can ask yourself to discover what your fantasies might be.

• What were your top three sexual experiences? Did they have anything in common?
• What do you think about when you masturbate?
• What type of porn or erotica are you drawn to?

It is important to remember that fantasies vary drastically. Many people fantasize about romance and conventional sex. That is their fantasy.

Expressing Your Sexual Desires to Your Partner

While 77% of people want to act on their sexual fantasies, only 20% have discussed it with their partner. Having a conversation with your partner about your sexual fantasy can feel daunting. It is hard to be vulnerable, but it is vital to long-term relationship satisfaction. Discussing vulnerable information and sharing secrets will bring your relationship closer, but respecting your partner’s wishes and boundaries is essential. 

To broach the topic of trying your sexual desires:

1. Communicate your sexual desires clearly and explain your reasoning.
2. Be mindful of your partner’s feelings and reassure them the fantasies are not a result of you finding them lacking.
3. After explaining, listen to your partner’s feedback. If they would like to try your fantasy, you can begin that discussion.

If your partner doesn’t want to partake in your sexual desire, you must respect their boundaries. You should also be open to hearing your partner’s sexual desires and fantasies. 

Exploring Your Sexual Desires

If you have decided to take action on your sexual desires, it is critical to stay safe, aware, and communicate clearly. Most sexual desires involve a partner or partners, so taking precautions to ensure everyone has a good time is critical. To do so:

1. Communicate clearly about what you would like to do, what you expect, and what your partner would like. Keep the flow of communication open throughout the experience.
2. Establish boundaries and no-gos.
3. Establish a safe word you and your partner can use if things feel uncomfortable.
4. Enjoy the experience and take things slow. There is no need to try everything all at once. 
5. Be flexible if the experience goes differently than planned. Adapting and adjusting will ensure everyone has a pleasurable experience.
6. Communicate throughout the experience and afterward. Provide feedback and discuss what you would like to explore in the future. 

Conclusion

Sexual fantasies and desires are a normal part of a person’s sexuality. Not all fantasies are meant to be explored, but if you have a desire, discussing it with your partner can be a way to strengthen your connection and bond. All sex should be safe and consensual to ensure mutual pleasure. Sexuality is a beautiful part of being a human that is meant to be explored.