Sex. It’s something we never talk about enough. Why do we have sex? There’s an argument that it’s purely a side effect of the biological need to reproduce. That argument is wrong! In fact, we can put sex into four distinct categories that relate to the reason we are having sex and, yes, who we are having sex with.
Reproductive Sex
Let’s start with how babies are made. Reproductive sex is sex with the primary goal of producing offspring. Many people falsely believe that’s the only reason animals have sex (it’s not).
Some religions believe reproductive sex is the only valid kind and that if you don’t want to have a baby right now, you should be celibate, even in the context of a relationship. Until very recently, sex was required for human reproduction. Now, while we still require sperm to come in contact with an egg, we have various ways to engage in reproduction without sex, such as in vitro fertilization or artificial insemination. Most human babies, though, are still produced via sex.
Reproductive sex is limited. It requires a penis to enter a vagina without any means being used to prevent reproduction. People intentionally engaging in reproductive sex may abstain when less fertile and then “go at it” when ovulating, saving their sexual energies for when there is the most chance of a baby.
It can also be really stressful…in fact, trying too hard to produce a baby can even impact fertility.
Biologically, reproduction is the primary purpose of sex. But we humans are complex and sexy animals…and even other animals engage in other kinds of sex. So, what are they?
Relational Sex
Let’s “make love.” Relational sex is the sex we engage in to improve our relationship with our partner(s). We’re not trying to make a baby (and indeed, plenty of couples can’t), but we’re trying to get closer to our partner.
Relational sex connects to the five stages of a relationship.
These are:
- Honeymoon. You’re newly in love, haven’t discovered each other’s flaws yet, and feel euphoria just by thinking of them. Typically, couples in this stage have a lot of sex to form and cement their relationship.
- Uncertainty. This is when you start to see the bruise on the apple and question whether the person is right for you. Your feelings aren’t as intense, and you’re likely having less sex. Some relationships don’t survive this stage, and they aren’t meant to.
- Adjustment. The third stage of a relationship is when you really dig into each other and discover the challenges. This is when you decide whether this person is right for you and whether you can handle cultural differences. You want to make it work, but you aren’t always sure how. This is when unhealthy patterns can form. Relational sex can help you remember why you love them.
- Commitment. You accept each other’s flaws, get more comfortable, and start thinking about the long haul. This is when marriage comes up. At this point, you’re establishing your sexual pattern and know each other’s needs.
- Acceptance. If you reach this stage, you’re in it for the long haul. You feel secure in your relationship and can balance it with personal goals and friendships. Your relational sex has become a key part of that relationship, and how often you have sex is now a pattern (but not a habit!).
Make-up sex is also a form of relational sex. Having sex after an argument to establish that you are still a couple is a normal human pattern. You might also have more relational sex if you are both stressed, and it’s very common to want more sex after losing a friend or family member. More complicated relational sex patterns can occur within polycules, but make sure you aren’t having sex to make another partner jealous, as that’s always a sign something is wrong in your grouping.
Recreational Sex
Recreational sex is sex for the sake of sex. Sex should be pleasurable for everyone involved, and if it’s not, you’re doing something wrong. However, reproductive sex can sometimes turn into a chore, and relational sex can be more about communication than pleasure.
People often have recreational sex with their partner – this might include experimenting with new things. People can also have recreational sex with strangers (hooking up), friends (friends with benefits), or, of course, themselves. Settling in with a porn movie and a dildo or pocket pussy is definitely a form of recreational sex!
Recreational sex may also be engaged in to relax or for stress relief. This is particularly the case with many forms of kink. For example, a person who visits a dominatrix often seeks a break from making decisions. If there’s no other goal than “fun sexy times,” it’s recreational sex.
Primal Sex
Primal sex is pure lust. It’s when you don’t think about anything other than getting laid right now. Masturbating because you just can’t stand it anymore is an example of primal sex. Sex is a basic need that sometimes has to be indulged in.
Some people engage in primal play. This is a kink in which you try to channel your animal instincts and seek completely uninhibited sex. Primal sex often means letting go of the typical “rules” of our sex lives and can be a great way for long-term couples to liven things up. However, becoming too uninhibited can cause issues with consent. If you engage in this kind of play, make sure you trust your partner(s) and use safewords. Set boundaries and make agreements about what you will do and not do.
Primal sex can deepen connections when done right and thus crosses over into relational sex. It can also be a negative expression of sexuality that has to be watched for.
Of course, sex can cross over some of these categories. Relational sex can also happen in ways that allow for reproduction to happen. Recreational sex can be relational or, yes, primal.
But all sex fits into one of these four categories, and it’s natural to explore your sexuality and understand which of them you want to engage in and for that to change through your life. There’s nothing wrong with wanting lots of recreational sex, and there’s nothing wrong with containing your sexuality in a relationship, either. But it helps to understand what’s going on in your sex life, and it can make your relationships better.
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