Now that the pandemic is receding, going to the movies can resume its place as one of the most popular destinations for a first date. Unfortunately, this means you can’t just pause the movie for some kissing or playtime halfway through the film. While Netflix and Chill definitely has its benefits, such as the lack of an audience, it’s not the same as theater popcorn, an oversized drink, and the rumble of the seats during loud moments in the movie.
If you’re going to break out of your house and try watching those rom coms in the outside world again, there are three main things you need to remember.
First, the theater is a public place. That means if you’re going to be naughty, you have to be careful not to get caught. For some, the thrill of potentially getting caught is enough to turn them on. For others, making out in public and minor public exhibitionism will have them begging for a little hand action before the end of the previews. Regardless of what gets your motor going, remember not to be discreet.
Second, theaters showing new releases are generally pretty packed. If you’re looking forward to a little hanky-panky in the back row, pick a movie that’s at least a few weeks old or isn’t super popular. That way, there won’t be many other people, and there’s the added benefit that you likely won’t miss anything you want to see. Tuesdays are typically the least crowded time to see a movie, so use that to your advantage. Essentially, you want less than a third of the theater filled, with a row to yourselves and no one directly in front of or behind you.
Third, consider the theater you’re in. A brand new, clean theater is also likely to have security guards that pop into theaters randomly to ensure no one is doing precisely what you’re doing. Go for a slightly older, less modernized theater. That doesn’t mean there need to be drug deals going on out front. Just go for something less likely to have security cameras inside the theater.
Getting Down to Business
So, how do you get away with fondling the squish mitten or shaking his joystick a few times without getting caught by other movie-goers?
For starters, wear baggy clothes if you think your partner is down to get intimate. This leaves more room for hands and fingers to explore without being quite so obvious. Try going commando for easier access, and opt for a loose t-shirt or hoodie to make nipple play easier. If baggy clothing seems like it would be awkward, bring a jacket. Theaters tend to blast the air conditioning anyway, so this won’t seem out of place.
Also, remember, no sudden movements. Fast jerking motions will draw the attention of anyone else in the area, and you just know half those chairs squeak. Take this opportunity to force yourself to move slowly and deliberately, giving your partner as much romantic and sensual pleasure as possible. Ease into the act. Let the initial romance of the movie take hold of your mood and progress from there. If there are sex scenes in the film, try starting your fun at the same time to mask any noises you might accidentally make.
Shhh!
Don’t make too much noise. If you’re a screamer or a moaner, try chewing gum or biting down on some gummy worms to keep yourself from making noise. There’s no bigger giveaway than moaning from the back row. Heavy breathing should be okay, as long as no one is nearby.
Stick with the back row. The two back corners are notorious for not seeing the viewers without a flashlight, so you may have to get there a bit early to beat any other lovebirds to these seats. On the other hand, if things get too carried away, people are less likely to turn around and miss the movie to watch you on your knees, swallowing your partner’s massive load. If no one is in the immediate area, this is the perfect spot to stick your hand up her skirt or put your face in his lap and go at it.
Keep it Clean
Don’t forget about breaks and cleanup. No one likes walking around with their clothes sticking to their genitals because no one thought to grab paper towels on the way in. Make sure you grab enough to catch a load or clean a mouth after the big finish. Throughout the movie, take breaks or pause for a few minutes to give you both time to catch your breath and extend the performance for a bit longer. Your partner will appreciate the break, and you can always have your big finish in the car or bathroom if needed.
Also, make sure you’re done before the credits start to roll. Even if neither of you has orgasmed, make sure your mouth and hands are clean, all your clothes are in their proper place, and you’re in your seats, so no one is tipped off. It would be terrible to have a red carpet-worthy ending, then get banned from the theater because Karen complained on the way out. Suppose your tent is still fully pitched and possibly throbbing, or your lady garden is still dripping with moisture. In that case, the rolling credits are the perfect time to discretely let things cool off for a few minutes, so you don’t accidentally become glued to your pants.
If you really want to get into it and don’t care who notices, consider going to a porn theater together. Porn cinemas are making a big comeback, and a little front-row action is almost expected. Don’t be surprised when and if you see someone else bumping uglies simultaneously, though. To find your local theaters, just do a quick search for Adult Theater Near Me, and you’ll be surprised to see how many pop up in your area!
For those who are slightly more discreet, consider a drive-in movie if you have tinted windows. Of course, you’ll still need to go slowly, so you don’t tip off the neighboring cars and attract the police with the rocking van and steamy windows, but at least you’ll be in a small, private, enclosed area. Also, if anyone catches you, you’ll have time to get dressed before rolling down the window, which is always a plus.
Returning to the theater for box-office hits is exciting, and enjoying a little intimacy outside the house is even more exciting. So be smart about it, have a great time, and don’t get caught!
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