Finding a true partner who is knowledgeable and active in The Lifestyle can be difficult and even awkward for a swinger. You want to find someone open-minded like you, who will be comfortable with you sharing your body with virtual strangers. Unfortunately, the emotional maturity that encompasses this aspect of The Lifestyle isn’t exactly something people are prepared to answer on the first date.
On the other side, staying within the known community can mean seeing the same faces all the time, shrinking the pool of options for long-term relationships. Sometimes you want to branch out and meet someone new, or maybe you find someone that takes you completely by surprise, and you start catching feelings you weren’t expecting.
The obstacle, at this point, is what happens if that person is vanilla? Since vanilla is the more widely accepted and practiced lifestyle, most people you meet will be completely clueless to the ongoings of the swinger community. They don’t understand the mindset and may even consider The Lifestyle as another way of saying you’re cheating on your partner.
In the rare instance you find an ally to The Lifestyle who wants to date you, you have to determine if they’re emotionally and mentally onboard with The Lifestyle, or if they will expect you to switch to the vanilla lifestyle down the road. The entire process can be exhausting, but if you find someone who is worth it and ready to make it work with your differences, then the relationship will be one of the strongest relationships you’ll ever experience.
Explain Your Needs
When dating someone vanilla, it’s just as important to understand their views as it is for them to understand yours. One person can be a swinger while the other remains vanilla, as long as both are on board with everything it entails. Unfortunately, this means making yourself completely vulnerable in the early stages of the relationship and opening yourself up to difficult discussions that may ultimately mean breaking things off if you can’t agree on how the relationship will work.
The most important part of this early discussion is that, as a swinger, you need certain fulfillments to make you happy in a long-term relationship regarding sex. Whether this means you need to bring other players into the bedroom to feel fulfilled, or whatever your specific needs are, it’s essential to make this clear in the beginning to avoid heartache and resentment later on.
Open the Lines of Communication
It’s also vital to discuss communication. For example, if your partner is vanilla, but they’re happy with you maintaining The Lifestyle, how much do they want to know about your external relations? Do they want to meet anyone you’re having sex with beforehand, or do they just want to know you’re going out for the night? These boundaries can make or break your relationship, especially if the vanilla partner is new to dating a swinger. It may take some time for them to separate the emotional aspect of the relationship from the purely physical sex that has no emotional connection to the swinger. It’s a fine line to draw and can be challenging to navigate initially, so prepare for a lot of communication early on!
Give Your Vanilla Partner Time to Adjust
If you decide that dating the right vanilla partner is worth it, then make sure you’re ready to slow down for a while as they adjust to your lifestyle. It’s typically easier to get used to them not wanting sex with other people. Still, they may have initial feelings of jealousy or become territorial if they’ve never dated a swinger before. Some ways to help curb these feelings would be slowly introducing them to some of your hangouts and discussing who you would consider having sex with. Point out what draws you to that person, and ask your partner who they find attractive.
The simple back and forth can help them relax, as long as you’re giving them plenty of attention at the same time. This will reassure them that, while you find others physically attractive, they are the only person you want to be with on an emotional level. Open and honest communication will also help them realize that you don’t want to hide anything from them, which will help build as much trust as possible within your relationship.
Set Boundaries Together
One thing to keep in mind is that most vanilla people have never tried anything outside the Vanilla Lifestyle since this is what many believe is the only “acceptable” relationship. The Swinger Lifestyle, even if they’re aware of it, will typically be a whole new thing for them, and they may need some time to adjust and wrap their minds around the basics. So, no, you don’t need to connect emotionally with the people you’re banging. But, yes, there can be preferences and limits, like no kissing, or no bringing people to the house. Encouraging your vanilla partner to help set these boundaries and be honest with themselves may take some time, and it’s important to let them know that they can change their mind about things at any time.
For a swinger/vanilla couple that is together long-term, it’s common that, at some point, the vanilla partner will want to try out certain aspects of The Lifestyle. Whether this is watching their swinger partner pick someone up, watching them have sex, or even participating in a threesome or orgy, this is completely normal for them to want to try. Sometimes they enjoy it, and sometimes they find it’s not for them. Regardless of their decision, it’s important to remind them that their feelings are valid and that you support their lifestyle choices just as much as they support yours. But, again, it’s a fine line to traverse, and sometimes we all need time to learn how to best walk that line.
The most crucial part of everything is communication—even more than in a vanilla relationship. Communication will solve most problems before they arise and help you stay on the same page at all times. A vanilla/ swinger relationship is entirely possible, provided both partners communicate effectively and respect their partner’s lifestyle choices, even if they don’t practice the same things.
Have you ever dated a vanilla partner? If so, how did it go?
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