Going on a date is one of the most intimidating things about being in a relationship with multiple people. Going on a first date is typically a little intimidating, but going on dates as a person with multiple partners can bring its own set of worries. No matter how long your poly group has been dating, it can be challenging to find the perfect balance of comfort and attention for each partner. It’s important to consider your partners’ concerns and allow them to consider yours.
While you may be comfortable in any situation, your partners may not be, or vice versa. Either way, it’s normal to be a little intimidated until you get the hang of dating with your poly circle. Depending on your location, you may be worried about others not understanding when they see your polycule. Telling people they shouldn’t care what others think is easy, but it’s not always so simple.
While it doesn’t matter what other people think, the fear of judgment is still real for some people, especially if you live in an area where people are less open-minded about different lifestyles. If you have a partner or multiple partners who struggle with this fear, communicate with them. Ask what is needed for them to feel comfortable and supported. Sometimes, all a nervous partner needs is acknowledgment of their concerns and validation that you don’t care what others think, so neither should they. If you are this partner, let your polycule know. They are your partners for a reason, so communicate what you need.
Another stressor that might come up when planning a date with multiple partners is seating. Many restaurants see a small group of 3-5 (or a larger group of more) and assume a long or four-seat table is sufficient. However, that kind of seating doesn’t allow for easy cross-table conversations. It also doesn’t allow for the intimacy that feels specific to dates. When you are dating multiple people, it is crucial to be able to interact with each partner. No one wants to feel like they got left behind. One way to avoid inconvenient seating is to make a reservation. When you call in your reservation, ask for a round table or booth. If you don’t want to make a reservation, ask the host to seat you at a table that allows everyone to see one another. If a table that fits your entire polycule is unavailable, ask to move tables and chairs to accommodate what you need better. Just make sure to leave a good tip!
When you are out on a date with multiple people, the most apparent issue will probably be planning the date type. Where do you go? What do you do? Will everyone have fun? These are all very valid concerns with no clear answer. The only way to navigate the issue of the date type is to communicate with one another. Make sure each partner is heard, and you are heard, too. All partners need to have a good time in any dating relationship. If you need help finding common ground for dates, try rotating who chooses what to do. This gives you each an opportunity to learn about things that your partners enjoy. It allows you to build a stronger relationship with one another.
Probably the most difficult, but also very obvious, thing to overcome when scheduling a poly date is…scheduling. Time is a huge factor when planning dates with your polycule, and it can feel like climbing a mountain. You may have to sit down with your partners and compare schedules to find a time that works for all parties involved. Sometimes, it will be more complicated than others, but patience and understanding are key here. Be patient with your partners and trust that they want to dedicate time to you just as much as you want to dedicate time to them.
Individual dates are another consideration when planning outings within your poly circle. Some poly partners are okay with going on individual dates with individual partners. It can be a great way to establish stronger personal bonds with each partner. However, you should never assume all your partners will agree. Talk with your partners to see where they lie on this topic. There is no right or wrong answer, but there can be emotions or concerns to consider.
At the end of the day, dating is supposed to be relaxing and fun. It’s supposed to be a time when you can cut loose with the people you enjoy most. Going on a date is for learning more about each other and not stressing out. Enjoy dating and be your happy, fun, romantic, poly self. The kinks will work themselves out with just a little planning.
Good luck!
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