If you’ve heard the term enthusiastic consent recently but have no idea what it means, you’re not alone. According to the Adult FriendFinder social media team, the top questions in their inbox are from followers who want to know what enthusiastic consent is and how it applies to adult dating.
Consent is perhaps the most vital part of adult dating because if you want to have a successful, mutually satisfying hookup, you have to make sure all parties are on board with what’s about to happen.
What is Consent?
The legal definition of consent varies from one location to another and the circumstance/ context. However, the general logic of consent is the same everywhere in the world.
Sexual consent refers to the agreement between partners to participate in sexual activity. The general rule of thumb is; before making any sexual advancement, you need to know whether the other person is willing to be intimate with you. On the other hand, the partner needs to be honest about their sexual willingness as well.
Giving and asking for consent must always be mutual. Checking whether things are clear between you and your partner and respecting personal boundaries goes a long way into guaranteeing consent. You must both agree to sex, every other time, for the act to be considered consensual.
Failure to get mutual consent means that any sexual activity, including genital touching, oral sex, and vaginal or anal penetration, is rape or sexual assault.
Consent must always be:
1. Freely given
Proper consent is freely given with no pressure, manipulation, or intoxication (use of drugs and alcohol).
2. Reversible
Anyone can withdraw consent at any time, even if you’re in the middle of the act or you’ve done it before.
3. Informed
Information is crucial when giving or denying consent, so all parties involved must be honest with each other at all times. For instance, it’s considered a sexual assault if you promise to use a condom, but you end up not using one. Your partner made a decision to consent because of the information you gave, and to change your actions after the fact is a massive violation of trust.
4. Enthusiastic
During sex, you should only do what you want to do, not what you’re expected to do. Consent must be enthusiastic.
5. Specific
What has your partner consented to? If your partner agrees to make out, it does not mean that they’ve consented to groping and other sexual activities. Always ask how far you can go rather than assuming, as it can avoid issues down the line and ensure your partner is happy and comfortable.
What is Enthusiastic Consent?
The concept of consent has evolved into what is now known as enthusiastic consent. This term refers to a more positive type of consent where partners only agree to the things that excite them.
Enthusiastic consent is described as the presence of “YES” rather than the absence of “NO.” Partners express enthusiastic consent through talking or using non-verbal cues such as nodding, smiling, maintaining eye contact, and other positive body language.
It’s important to note, however, that these cues alone do not necessarily represent consent. Even though subtle clues can reflect consent, it’s important to ask for verbal confirmation from your partner.
How to Seek Enthusiastic Consent
- Always ask for permission before changing from one activity to another. For instance, if you’re making out, ask whether your partner is okay with having sex before proceeding.
- Before initiating physical contact, always ensure that your partner is okay with it.
- Always give positive feedback for every sexual move, so you’re partner knows you’re comfortable.
- Periodically check in with your partner to ensure what you’re doing is still okay with them.
- Use affirmation words and phrases such as “okay,” “yes,” and “I’m open to trying.”
You can tell your dating partner has not given enthusiastic consent if:
- The partner remains silent and offers no other type of response.
- The body language is stiff, and your partner cannot maintain eye contact or isn’t touching back.
- They consent only after being pressured or manipulated to have sex.
- The person is too wasted to make sober decisions.
While seeking enthusiastic consent, it’s important to note that physical reactions such as erection, arousal, and lubrication are involuntary and should not be used to gauge whether your partner has consented.
The Difference Between Consent and Enthusiastic Consent
As you may have noticed, there’s a fine line between simply consenting and giving enthusiastic consent. If anything, enthusiastic consent is a form of giving consent. However, even if the margins are fine, there’s still a difference. Here are the most notable ones:
- Enthusiastic consent requires that your partner agrees to what you’re asking because they, too, would love it. In some cases, a partner would consent to things that would make their partner happy. This is still considered consent, but not an enthusiastic one.
- For enthusiastic consent, nothing is assumed. Partners talk through each stage. For instance, the transition from foreplay to having sex must be mutual. Simply because a partner agreed to foreplay does not necessarily mean that they’re ready for sex.
- Talking and affirmations are very important for enthusiastic consent. For things that a partner has never tried before, they shouldn’t just consent simply because the other partner has requested it. Instead, they would affirm that even though the idea is new, they’re willing to try.
There are different degrees of consent in the modern world, so it’s crucial to understand what they are before putting yourself out there. By staying informed, you can make sure all your sexual encounters are a great experience for everyone involved.
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