The holiday season is supposed to be full of bliss and cheer. Still, many individuals and couples alike know that their holiday plans can be severely derailed by family members who do not understand and/or agree with their lifestyle and sexual choices. While it is emotionally taxing to spend time around people who are so judgmental, sometimes it feels unavoidable. Therefore, we want to provide some valuable tools and ideas for surviving holiday gatherings that involve people who are less than kind about the way you live.
Decide What is Worth Fighting For
Heading into a holiday gathering with a negative attitude and the expectation that a clash of ideals is about to occur is a sure way to make that possibility far more likely. In other words, if you head to a family gathering believing that you are going to have disagreements, then you probably are. This is why it is so important to pick your battles and decide what you must speak up about. For example, imagine that you are part of an LGBTQ couple, and you are bringing your partner around family members who are upset by this fact. You might need to stand up and say something if they:
- Directly insult or attack your partner or yourself because of your sexuality.
- Use insensitive and disrespectful terms towards you or your partner.
- Suggest that you and your partner are not welcomed at the gathering because of your sexuality (in this event, you may want to simply leave)
However, there are also times when it might be better to accept that parts of your family will be less than welcoming to you and your partner. You might decide to hold your tongue regarding:
- Differences in political or religious views
- Uncomfortable silences, glances, or minor comments
- A slight coldness shown towards you or your partner
None of these things are pleasant to experience, and none of them should happen in a fully functional and loving family. Still, there are also situations in which it might be easier to simply move on and try to have as nice of a gathering as possible despite the lack of warmth exhibited by specific individuals.
Know That You Should Be Able to Express Affection Towards Your Partner
The holiday season brings up feelings in most of us that make us want to cling to our loved ones and show them a physical expression of our affection for them. Of course, this is perfectly acceptable to do around your family, as long as the PDA is kept within reasonable limitations. Obviously, you don’t want to carry things too far and make people uncomfortable, but you shouldn’t have to feel like you cannot express feelings towards your partner at all. Advocate.com recommends the following regarding PDA:
I wouldn’t have a full make-out session in front of your parents. (I’m not exactly sure why you would want to do that.) But a peck on the lips, hugging, hand-holding, and calling each other “honey” is completely fine. At least if those expressions of affection would be appropriate in your family and culture if you were straight.
These are all things that straight couples do without thinking about it and asking permission to do so. It is assumed that their expressions of affection are perfectly acceptable to everyone there, and this is why they don’t even think twice about it. Same-sex couples should have the same freedoms and flexibility to do what they want.
Try to Understand Where Others Are Coming From
LGBTQ individuals are not the only ones who might feel a bit of iciness that has nothing to do with the weather outside when they come home for the holidays. Other sexual minority groups have also felt the sting of misunderstanding, disguise, and general rejection when they come around their families. Swingers, those who are into particular sexual fetishes, and other groups of people have said that they also sometimes experience less than inviting family holiday gatherings. It is a sad reality, but it is one that those individuals have no choice but to combat.
One of the most helpful things that people in these situations can do is attempt to understand where their family is coming from. This is not to say that they have to accept homophobia or any other type of discriminatory behavior. Still, it is helpful to guide those who might be ignorant or scared of others towards a more open-minded understanding of how the world works. It is quite possible that there are minds that can still be changed and people who can be saved from heading down the path of hatred.
If it seems best to avoid the topics of your sexual life, then do that, but if members of your family have questions about how you live your life, perhaps try to be open about it with them. It might feel very personal and even a little uncomfortable for you, but you just might help someone better understand how you live and why they shouldn’t be afraid of you or your lifestyle. It can open up a conversation that genuinely touches someone else’s heart.
Always Keep the Option to Leave in Your Back Pocket
Not every situation is salvageable, and not every person can handle certain situations. Don’t subject yourself to abuse simply to try to spend time around people who are supposed to love you for who you are. If they cannot give you any respect at all, they may simply have to accept that you are not going to stick around to continue to experience their abuse. Sometimes, walking away is the only option you have.
Remember, you are not a bad person for wanting to spare yourself from the shame, embarrassment, and pain of emotional abuse at the hands of your family. You have to move forward in your life, which may mean walking out the door during a family holiday gathering. Do not let people in your family guilt trip you for leaving the event if they cannot be respectful enough to have you in their home and treat you with basic human dignity.
Comments are closed