People seek sex outside their primary relationships at a higher rate more than ever, and there are various reasons and motivations for that. According to research, an upward of 40 percent of individuals in relationships are experiencing issues of infidelity. Surprisingly, even those who stray say that cheating is wrong. So you wonder, why the prevalence?
Numerous risk factors increase the chances of a person engaging in an affair. Let’s touch on some individual risk factors as well as risk factors within a marriage:
Individual Risk Factors
Addiction — Drug and sub substance abuse can increase the risk of cheating, so an individual who wouldn’t usually cheat when sober may cross the line when under the influence.
Attachment style — Attachment style in a relationship has long been linked to cheating, whether it’s attachment avoidance, intimacy disorder, or attachment insecurity. Poor self-esteem and a feeling of unworthiness can also lead one to seek sex outside of the primary relationship.
Childhood trauma — People who are abused physically, sexually, or emotionally in their childhood can be more likely to cheat, especially if they have not come to terms with the events and trauma stemming from their childhood.
Previous cheating — Studies show that people who have cheated in their previous relationships are three times more likely to repeat the behavior in their future relationships.
Psychological issue — Individuals with personality disorders and narcissistic traits may cheat to soothe their egos and fulfill their sense of entitlement. Such people also tend to lack empathy, which causes them not to think about how their actions may impact their partners.
Risk factors within a relationship
Problems within a relationship may also cause people to look for sex elsewhere. Common risk factors include:
• Domestic violence and emotional abuse
• Emotional and/or physical disconnect
• Lack of respect
• Lack of communication
• Low compatibility
Cheating versus ethical non-monogamy
While you’re here, it is crucial to understand the distinction between cheating and being ethically monogamous. Cheating is basically when one partner decides to engage in extramarital affairs behind their partners’ back. In this case, they tend to have one or multiple sexual partners without the knowledge of their primary partner.
On the other hand, ethical or consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is where couples agree to explore relationships with other people. This can include various kinds of open relationships, from polyamory to swinging. Ideally, in ethical non-monogamy, couples discuss and agree to see other people and set boundaries regarding how far, when, and where these relationships can happen.
Why people look for sex outside their relationships
Now that you know the risk factors for seeking sex outside relationships and what defines cheating vis-à-vis ethical non-monogamy, here are some key reasons why people choose to seek sex outside their primary relationships:
Anger or revenge
A common reason for infidelity is the anger that results from one partner cheating. Here, most people want to make the other party experience the same emotional trauma they endured to feel equal. Anger-motivated infidelity can happen for other reasons besides revenge, including; frustration because the other person doesn’t seem to understand your needs, anger at a partner who is not around, anger after an argument, and anger when a person is physically and emotionally inefficient.
Situational factors and opportunities
Some situations or opportunities may contribute to cheating; for instance, assume your coworker finds you alone in a bar and offers to buy you a drink. At the same time, you are away from your partner who is on a business trip. The combination of these factors may lead you to make a decision you wouldn’t have otherwise made in a different circumstance.
Commitment issues
Not everybody is designed for commitment, a reason some people prefer to keep their relationships casual. Moreover, people in a relationship can have different perceptions and ideas about their relationship status (where one thinks it’s casual while the other thinks it’s exclusive). Other reasons people may fail to commit to a relationship are lack of interest in anything long-term and wanting a way out of the relationship.
Falling out of love
While it doesn’t necessarily mean you no longer love your partner, falling out of love is another reason people cheat. Falling out of love means you no longer get excited by their presence, gifts, affection, and other romantic gestures that initially meant a lot to you.
Note that you might continue to stay in a relationship even after falling out of love for the sake of family, stability, friendship, and safety. However, due to a lack of a desire for each other, you might find one partner seeking sex outside their primary marriage.
Unmet needs
Having unmet needs, whether sexually or emotionally, can lead to frustrations and, accordingly, cheating. A partner may continue to stay in the relationship, hoping things will improve. However, if they don’t, they may be prompted to satisfy their needs elsewhere. Unmet needs can range from one partner having no interest in sex or has different sexual drives, one partner cannot have sex for some reason, or both partners spend a lot of time away from each other.
Sexual desires
Some people harbor a desire to have sex with more people, even when they are in a sexually fulfilling relationship. As such, they might seek multiple sexual partners outside their primary relationships. In most cases, this is reinforced by other factors like having unmet needs and opportunities that lead to cheating.
Wanting variety
Sex comes in different forms, shapes, and varieties, and your partner might not be able to fulfill all of them. For instance, your partner might be interested in trying out a type of sexual fantasy that you’re not into. In their quest to fulfill their desires, they will seek a person willing to engage in the act. Variety may also entail different non-sexual activities, attraction to other people, relationships with their partner in addition to other people, and more.
Repairing the damage
One key takeaway from this study is cheating doesn’t always have to do with the other person. In most cases, people who cheat have no intention to hurt their partners, a reason why most of them go to great lengths to conceal their infidelity.
If your partner has cheated, it is advisable to take a moment to think about the whole situation. You can begin by talking to your partner about what happened, asking yourself and your partner if you want to continue with the relationship, and if need be, speaking to a counselor.
If you’re the one who cheated, ask yourself and your partner if you can work through the reasons for infidelity, whether you see yourself cheating again, and whether you can commit yourself to therapy. Taking the time to discuss cheating can be the solution you need to mend things and continue with life as a happy and contented couple.
Summary
For sure, being open with your partner about infidelity can go a long way in strengthening your relationship. And while at it, be honest about how you want to approach your relationship regarding what you can and cannot commit to, and be sure to maintain honesty and communication moving forward.
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