You’ve been together a while. Long enough to start noticing your interests are wandering but not long enough to feel completely comfortable talking about exploring new kinks and fetishes with your partner. How do you get over that awkward hump and find ways to include your long-term lover in the adventures you’re eager to embark upon sometime soon?
We asked some of our top Adult FriendFinder experts, and after going through their replies, we noticed a few main points that came up nearly every time. In this article, we’ll share their lessons to help you discover the joy of sharing sex with your partner without being hindered by any uncertainty along the way.
The 3 Keys To Discussing New Kinks
It all comes down to three relatively simple keys, and fortunately, all three are elements of any quality relationship. Characteristics we can all exhibit and goals worthy of our focus as we seek to expand the value of all our current and future relationships:
1. Transparency
Transparency is all about dismantling the emotional walls we build around ourselves so we can let those closest to us get inside our world. We all become jaded as we mature, and we develop defense mechanisms to prevent us from experiencing heartbreak or causing discomfort in others. Still, the side effect of those defenses is the inevitable downward spiral of what we want – genuinely intimate relationships.
Being transparent means more than just blurting out “I want to get into cosplay and Shibari robe bondage” one day over brunch. It includes being in touch with your feelings and communicating those emotions with your partner as well.
Perhaps start with something like “Shibari rope bondage is something I’ve been thinking about lately. I’ve always been fascinated with watching that sort of stuff on video, but I’m thinking it’s something we might try out if you’re up for it. I found a class we could take and a really cool instructor teaches it. If it works out, great, if not at least it’s a fun couple Saturdays together trying something new. Are you in?”
2. Honesty
Honesty sounds way too apparent until you consider the meaning more deeply. On the one hand, you do need to be honest with your partner. Being transparent about some things while holding back others isn’t being open at all. On the other hand, it’s even more important to be honest with yourself.
Are you interested in exploring a new kink or fetish with your current partner, or are you just so unhappy in your relationship that you’re looking for a way out and using a newly discovered interest in bondage play as an excuse to break things up? One of the worst possible outcomes is one partner asking the other to try something new, the other partner agreeing, and then having the first partner choosing to move on anyway because it was never really about that new fetish in the first place.
Be honest by saying something like: “I know this is kind of coming out of nowhere because I haven’t brought it up before, but the idea of cross dressing is something that’s been in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember. Now it seems to be bubbling up to the surface and I’m a little freaked out that it won’t be acceptable to some of the people I know. I really value our relationship, and I’m hoping you can be supportive by trying this out with me to see if its really what we want, with an open mind and that smile of yours I love so much.”
3. Trust
Then we can watch as all the “What Ifs” roll in! Bringing up a new fetish or asking your partner to get kinkier with you is an emotional risk. Those kinds of choices in love always unearth questions in our minds. What if they reject the idea? What if they think I’m weird? What if they want to break up over me bringing it up in the first place?
The better question is, what if you’re in a great relationship with a partner you can trust, but you never actually find out because you’re too nervous about testing the waters with them? Simply put, if you can’t trust them to be open-minded and supportive of your sexuality, how can you trust them at all? And if you can’t trust them, why are you still in the relationship?
Trust is easy to evoke with a simple statement like, “We’ve been together for a while, and as we have discussed before, sex is a two way street. So I know I’m asking you to come out on a limb with me as we try out the kind of roleplay fantasies I’m suggesting, but I want to also make sure you know that if you have any other kinks or fetish wishes you’ve been unsure about bringing up, I’m definitely interested to hear them and help you explore them as well. I really think you’re awesome and I believe we can be here for each other in the best way possible over the long term. That’s not something I take lightly because I know how rare a relationship like this one is, and how rare and amazing a person you are.”
If you put these three keys to use in your conversations about kink, that doesn’t guarantee your partner will always say yes. Still, it ensures you’re going about it the right way, which gives you the best possible chance of succeeding in sex, in love, and every other aspect of your life.
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