Cheating is a strange term for having sex with someone other than your partner behind their back, but is there more to it than sex? When entering into a monogamous relationship, couples often confer a level of intimacy and a sense of exclusivity that goes far beyond the bedroom. That’s why the simplistic notion of “sex with someone else” is such a flawed definition of cheating, and one dating enthusiasts may want to rethink.
Sex used to be so much more binary. Either you fucked and sucked your way to orgasmic bliss with someone, or you didn’t. These days thanks in large part to modern technological advances, that definition doesn’t hold up anymore. So, for example, if you’re sexting, sharing naked photos, and engaging in webcam mutual masturbation with someone, is that sex? And whether it’s sex or not, is that “cheating” in terms of breaching a monogamous relationship you may already have in place with someone else?
The answer is a lot simpler than the question! That’s because the definition of cheating is tied directly to your own definition of monogamy. Monogamy isn’t defined by society; it’s a matter of personal preference agreed upon only by the people engaged in each specific relationship.
Let’s say, for example, that you married your significant other. Before walking down the aisle, chances are you discussed what that meant to each of you and set up a framework of rules or boundaries that you both agreed not to break. Cheating is anything outside that framework, and anything inside that framework is fair game.
How Do Problems Arise?
Some couples do a poor job of communicating what they expect from each other. Some fail to discuss these details at all. They may think they’re being prim and proper, but sadly all they’re doing is laying the groundwork for an eventual crash in their relationship farther down the road. Successful relationships all start with clear and open lines of communication.
If you want to be in a relationship with a guy and have sex with other girls on the side, you should bring that up to your primary lover ahead of time, not after you get caught in bed with another woman.
It’s easy to say, ‘I’d rather ask for forgiveness than ask for permission, but it’s also a much more hurtful approach. If you love someone enough to get into a serious relationship, you should also speak openly about your intentions to engage in certain kinds of sexual behavior. Think of it the same way you might think about asking if she’s into anal before shoving yourself somewhere you may not belong. Asking for permission is always preferable, even if it’s done in a much sexier and less structured way than saying it word for word.
What About Emotional Cheating?
That’s another grey area where problems often arise. Even the most honest discussion of what you want your relationship to include exclusively and what would be fair game outside the relationship will always have gaps in it. There’s just no way to express every single possibility or to account for every emotional eventuality.
Let’s assume you’re at work and your coworker keeps coming by your cubicle each day to bring you a cup of coffee. They smile at you, their eyes light up when they see you, you know they’re totally into you – but you like the feeling of being wanted and tell yourself there’s nothing wrong with accepting a cup of coffee. Would your lover be thrilled with this behavior? Probably not, but does it rise to the level of cheating? The only real way to find out is to ask.
Sometimes relationships require awkward and uncomfortable conversations about these things, and having them sooner is always better than later. Try asking your lover: “Kris at work seems to be into me and keeps bringing me coffee every day. I have no intention of letting them have sex with me, but do you think I need to tell them that or just let them go on living the fantasy without me?”
The answer you get may surprise you; it may also start a deeper conversation about your relationship with the only person who matters in the final analysis. But, more importantly, it does all three of the things necessary to guarantee a long and successful relationship for you both:
1 – It Invites Them To Share Their Secrets With You
When your lover knows you trust them enough to ask that sort of a question, it invites them to come to you with their own uncertainties. Maybe your husband has decided he’s bi-curious, and while you never discussed it before, he wants to know your thoughts on bringing another guy into the bedroom together. Perhaps your girlfriend has been getting texts from an ex-boyfriend and wants to know if that bothers you, but she was afraid to ask. Your decision to raise an issue can often cause a chain reaction that clears up plenty of other open issues you didn’t even know existed.
2 – It Prevents Any Confusion And Protects You From Cheating
“Yeah, I should have asked” is a terrible position to be in during a discussion with your lover. It’s so much better to be able to say, “Yes, but I told you all about this a month ago and you said you were totally fine with it.” Take the opportunity to stay ahead of the curve and keep things all out in the open. Being truthful and honest is the best protection against accidentally cheating and saves plenty of crying in the future. The worst that can happen is you find out that you and your lover disagree about something before it has a chance to turn into a serious argument. That way, even the biggest disagreements come with plenty of time to work out a compromise instead of hurt feelings and a lot of fallout because someone chose to keep it a secret until after it was discovered by the other lover.
3 – It Causes You To Have Real Talks About Your Relationship
When you first start dating someone, you tend to talk all about the big picture hopes and dreams you share and the things you may not see eye to eye about. As the relationship ages, much of your time together tends to be about things happening at the moment. These sorts of discussions spark bigger talks about all kinds of other important things. Having these kinds of “where do you see yourself, and where do you see us in five or ten years” talks are immensely important if you want to spend your lives together. They become a living roadmap that evolves and serves to set you both on a great path forward for a lifetime of love and mutual respect.
Yeah, That’s Great, But I Want To Fuck Someone Else
We get it! The Adult FriendFinder community includes thousands of people who are actively engaged in one form of polyamory or another. Sure, there are plenty of singles, but many of us are in serious relationships with someone special and are also looking to find lovers outside our primary relationships. That’s normal and can be a fantastic way to live IF you find a partner who wants the same things out of life.
Put simply, if the person you’re with doesn’t share the same sexual goals you have, you either need to change your goals or your partner. Staying in a monogamous relationship with someone who sees life differently can feel restrictive, and nobody wants that. There are so many people in the world, and lots of them want the same things you do out of life. So instead of cheating or trying to convince your lover to live their life in a way they won’t enjoy, agree to find someone who happily will, and you’ll always be glad you did.
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